By Mary English

Before the proving

Day -1 Prover 3
Had a ‘sick’ headache this afternoon and have felt like I have vertigo or am a bit drunk. When I lay down, I felt that the room is spinning or the walls are tilting to the side. I hope this isn’t the remedy which arrived today! My hand feels spikey or prickly when I hold the remedy bottle.

Primary Action

Day 1. Prover 3
I was strangely reluctant to take the remedy; my hand felt prickly when I held the bottle. My head started spinning again. Throb behind my left temple. My mouth cavity (roof) feels like it’s getting bigger/higher/jaw dropping + loosening. I’m more hyper aware of sounds outside in particular. My head space is expanding too-my crown going up. Feel like I’ve woken up a bit, my awareness is heightened. My body’s internal spaces seem to be expanding/loosening/relaxing/growing like the way I feel when I meditate sometimes: stillness clarity. A ‘clean’ air clear feeling in my head + ears, like water inside my head/ears cleaning + washing away my headache. This feels like a meditation pill! My sinuses also feel cleared like they’ve been washed out through my ears! My ears are tingling/buzzing like I have got water in them from swimming. I feel ‘softer’ emotionally somehow as well.

Day 1 Prover 8
Been feeling quite nervous about taking the remedy but I bit bullet and did it. Had a lie-in with P so it wasn’t until later that I took it/about mid-day. I haven’t felt much effect from it.

Day 1 Prover 1
Remedy taken at 9am. Since I wasn’t working today, I knew I wouldn’t be awake at 9am. So set my alarm. Took one tiny pill as instructed. It’s like candy! Quite sweet. Sucked and chewed on it and returned to sleep.
I was in my room, here at home (watching a DVD) when a few Oriental guys came in with power tools to do some maintenance. Drilling holes in the wall or something. Then my landlord (this is still where I live- just my granddad wasn’t there-some landlord instead) bent over, reached back between his legs and plunged a dagger into my left knee cap right up to the hilt. Blood gushed out and there was a gash 3 inches long. He left the dagger in then stabbed some other knife into my right leg. Blood poured out in a similar length laceration. They wanted to keep me in the room and kill me. I somehow managed to escape these people and run downstairs. I scurried into the kitchen and drank two glasses of water-then ran out the door. My legs and shins were painted red by now. I remember feeing that I should die from profuse blood loss but that if I thought that I’d live, then I would.
Dream 2
A bit like a Nintendo game really. I was climbing and jumping and tree-swinging up a mountain with some friends. My best bud and my sister. I was ascending this mountain really fast, as if you could reach various levels by certain times, then you could ‘jump’ at a magical, hologrammesque heart and out of it would jump a super- power associated with an animal. I remember being annoyed that I missed one and wanting to get more super powers than J***! The only one I remember was a frog I think, which gave me invisibility.

Day 1 Prover 9
Take Homeopathic medicine. Very sweet aside from that normal. Dreams of talking to people, someone said they’ve flown through Pluto. Dreams like shifting in and out of situations, conversations and landscapes.
(that evening)
Couldn’t sleep because housemates watching TV. Get up make toast, bed. An amazing dream. I am a genetically mutated cat the size of a person but a lot stronger and faster. I spend the first half of the dream trying to find P (P is my life and soul, I love her so much and could fill this book with poetry, pictures and songs with her as a Muse) P is also a cat person. We make love that shakes the room. The place slowly went from luscious hillside valley (with lots of fun things to jump on and climb) to a more industrial/government building. There were lots of people, at the beginning having a party. I go through the party to the place P and me were. I see many other cat people, they fight me. It is amazing, quick and powerful Kung Fu fighting, each cat has a special ability and all have self-destruct buttons. There are hundreds of police but all they can do it watch, a government woman says P is pregnant. I wake up. Back to bed.

Day 1 Prover 6
Dreamt my parents were still together and my sisters and I were all back home. Mom was fussing. I have a funny feeling I got the placebo first. I feel nothing different and it was awfully sweet. Maybe I should give it a bit more time. Still sleepy. I really wish I could get one night of continuous sleep. Whoa. Really light-headed. Or heavy-headed/light-mind. Felt like I was going to shift worlds or something. Feel it hitting my stomach. Subtle, but I feel it.

Day 1 Prover 4
Stitching feel (mild) below solar plexus and to my left. Pillule is very sweet. Have the distinct impression this remedy is made from psilocybin mushroom or some similar narcotic. Driving to work. Machine Head is on the CD player, it’s aggressive but I find myself singing along calmly following the melody rather than the passion of the music. Driving is slower too. Walking from the car to the office I feel smaller or my torso feels as it has shrunk. Don’t want to be at work, I want to be back in Japan sitting amongst the cherry blossom. Feel like living in cotton wool, unprofessional bad engineering is not annoying me as normal. I feel unfocused and unbalanced. I feel OK in myself but not myself at the same time- I don’t like it, this remedy sucks.

Not liking the remedy

Day 7 prover 8
I really want to take the anti-dote when I get home-figure out how much of this confusion + helpless feeling is me + how much is it.

Day 24 prover 8
Well here I am. At home, on my own-most of my friends in Cornwall, my boyfriend in Manchester for the foreseeable future + my heart in my boots. I’m taking the “cure” two days early as a small attempt to get my head back to some sort of normality (ha!)
I really, really don’t want to be here any more. Not even sure where I want to be. Some of me (a lot of me) wants to throw everything I have here down and bugger off to join P. I’m just going to go to sleep + be blissfully unconscious for a few hours. I hate un-solvable situations- I’m so bad + leaving things alone without fretting and meddling. I haven’t been this wound up + fretful in ages. I miss my P.

Day 5 prover 3
The other thing I realised is that this proving feels like it’s been going on for ages.
Day 1 prover 4

I feel unfocused and unbalanced. I feel OK in myself but not myself at the same time- I don’t like it, this remedy sucks.
Day 3
Not so woolly feeling today but still not right, bring on the sulphur!

Day 26 Prover 5
But I will be glad to stop this remedy. It has felt relentless. P says I am on edge all the time and have been cleaning constantly. I don’t think I have been cleaning any more than usual but I have been more stressed about it.
Day 32
Here it is at last! Would love to know what the wretched stuff was. Glad it’s all over.
Being angry about things
Day 3 Prover 5
All morning I felt angry and I had a whopping headache. I had to go over to my house in Eastville because the removal men were coming and I didn’t want to. I wanted to have a relaxed day but I had a long list of things to do. Although I chatted to the removal men I was still angry and pissed off that I was sorting all this out myself. I felt that P’s depression was leaving me to get things done. All the way home I was furious. When I got back he hadn’t packed up the massage bed like I asked him to. He wasn’t there either, which was lucky because I would have shouted at him. By the time he turned up I had calmed down. He was chatty and friendly and I felt bad for being angry with him. After all his mother has just died and he is organising the family coming to stay for the funeral.
Day 10
The journey back to England was more straightforward than the journey out but C was irritating me by being silly and mucking around. All the holiday he had been good company but he sort of lost it and started acting like a nine year old. I felt furiously angry with him and on the coach back from Gatwick I refused to sit with him. He kept talking to the driver and making daft remarks. He used to do this when he was a child and it infuriated me then. I stewed all the way home. The coach was also delayed because there was a smash up on the M25. Outside it was a beautiful Spring day and I felt, why aren’t I enjoying it? By the time I got back to Bristol I felt angry with everything, which was a shame as P had cooked us a meal. I didn’t tell anybody how pissed off I felt because P wanted to talk about the funeral. I felt guilty for feeling angry at nothing.

Day 27 Prover 1
Feeling angry and attacked from Grandad as he tells my Uncle how much of a life-pain I am. Next door are f****** gossips-talking about how hey saw me walking home at 11pm one night I mean, WTF?! Agh

Day 1 Prover 3
I confronted a woman who had brought her dog (stupid little poodle) into the park, where is clearly stated “No dogs”. She just kind of shrugged and said she was leaving anyway. I really get wound up by people’s rudeness and by their disrespect for the public space and for other people.
Went into town to pick my phone up that had been repaired (I’d dropped it down the toilet a week or so ago!) and got stressed + irritated with having to wait to be seen and again in the Post Office by having to wait for 20 minutes in the queue just to post a parcel. I could fee the blood + irritability rising to my head and ears.
Day 3
I found myself getting intensely irritated at the playgroup, more so than usual. I find most of the women that go to be on a different planet to me-very middle class, with lots of money and very ‘London’/fashionable. There’s a real clique to Steiner that I just don’t fit into and I guess at the heart of it, I’m jealous and resentful. Why them and not me? I was stuck between 2 women that I don’t get on with who were discussing (across+ over me) how they were selling their houses to buy land to build or live communally, which has always been by dream. I got more and more wound up and irritated that these people were living the life that I want. My hands wouldn’t keep still and my jaw was clenched. I came away from the group feeling really rattled and angry, but also ashamed at feeling that way. Jealousy is such an ugly emotion and it’s something that’s been growing in me ever since I moved here. I resent the fact that house prices are so high and that other people have the life that I want to live but most of all I resent P for not buying property a) when he had loads of money before we met b) when we first moved here when prices were lower and c) for being less motivated than me in wanting to find a different way to live. I rang P when I got back and had a little rant and a big cry. I hate feeling this way. I moved to Somerset with the dream of building a new life and our own house and it hasn’t happened. I guess I blame P for that although I know I shouldn’t. I just don’t know how to get rid of this feeling of resentment, anxiety + jealousy over houses/lifestyle. I feel its making me ill. This is not who I am supposed to be!
Day 2 Prover 4
Woken up by P at 1am. Everyone woken up by C at 3am. Alarm clock at 7am. Have got the arse this morning.
Day 5
P says we have another 2 weeks to go. I thought this was supposed to be a short proving. Not overly happy with the idea of filling up this f****** book for another 2 weeks.
Day 17
Some arsehole has changed the GUI without engaging their brains. It is now shit and wrong and doesn’t make sense. Anyone who thought it is usable has their head stuck up their arse. Customer coming today, fantastic!



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